How Do You Like Your Pork?

A man walks into a police station and addresses one of the officers at the front desk, “Excuse me, sir. I’m Derek and I’d like to turn myself in”.

The officer looked dismayed, “Turn yourself in, you say? Like… For a crime?”

“Yes sir, I’d like to clear my conscience in servitude to the lord.”

“Aren’t there any confessionals for that sort of thing? I have about 10 minutes until my lunch break and I’m getting mighty hun-“

Derek interrupts, “The Lord knows my deed sir, and now so must you… The other night I had been about town, a little drunk on Scotch because I had a hard day at work, a very hard day. One of those days that you just don’t know when it will ever end and I was shaken to my core. Absolutely shaken.”

He looked up to the sky with his arms spread wide and then droned on enthusiastically, “Shaken to my core so violently that I set out walking for no reason, in particular, just bothered with so many ghosts and apparitions in my mind that I hoped to run and hide. Hide from what? I can not say, but I knew I had to get away…” 

“Sir, how long is this going to take? What is the nature of your offense?”, retorted the hungry officer becoming mildly irritated.

“Oh, of course, you looked absolutely famished! Not long, not long at all sir!” Derek reached over the counter to pat the officer’s belly, but he saw him coming and rolled back on his chair just out of reach and bit his lip in frustration.

Derek continued, “…So I walked and I walked, and in my mind played some old sad songs from my childhood. Songs that I could sing for you now, but I couldn’t recollect the names of them for the life of me! I stumbled about looking for some sort of redemption in a world that’s left me with not but an aching headache, a broken heart, and an empty wallet. I walked until the stars appeared on full display for all to see and until the night air grew frigid. I would have been shivering if it weren’t for the Scotch still running through my veins.”

The police officer stopped him for a moment by raising his hand and looked over to his partner behind the desk. “Isabelle, you’re going to have to take lunch without me… Can you grab me one of those ham sandwiches from the deli next door with extra mayo and pickles? I’m practically dying over he-“

And the man started up once more… “Lost and forlorn, I was, with my arms reaching up to the skies and my cries bellowed out for salvation! What did a poor wretch such as myself ever do to be trampled upon by so many boorish souls?”

Isabelle shot an amused glance back at the officer behind the desk, then shook her head and made her way out of the station through the front door.

“My beautiful and sweet Alexia left me before I could even propose, and only two months after dating as well! Why that’s just barely enough time to get to know someone… Oh, my many woes… Well, I carried on, sir…”

The officer began to grind his teeth in frustration, “Listen! What the hell can I charge you with? I don’t have all damn day for your sob stories you know. Our job is to enforce the law, not provide therapy…”

“Yes, yes my dear fellow… Of course, of course…”, and he bowed his head for a moment then looked back up to the ceiling in a dramatic fashion, and threw his arms open again. “…So I walked beneath the night’s sky with that drunken twinkle in my eye! Cursing the world for all it was and was not. Spewing poison in my words and wishing for my very death, a death that would not come in a life that felt too long. At one point, I even cursed His name, although I’m ashamed to admit it. I cursed it and spit upon it and threw it to the ground to proverbially stomp on it. My Lord, was I upset! The idignity I’d suffered.”

The officer stood up visibly shaking with anger now and seething slightly behind the eyes, “Alright buddy, that’s it! If you aren’t going to tell me what the hell I should be charging you for I’m going to have to ask you to leave so that I can get back to my job! I’m hungry right now and you don’t want to see me hangry…”

“Sir, I speak my truth in full on account of justice. The justice that you are sworn to protect! I’m fulfilling my duty as a citizen to uphold the rule of law and not just for myself, but for you as well, and for all of those other citizens less corrupted by the evils of this world than I have been. So that I may appease my conscience! And hadn’t you heard that gluttony was one of the Lord’s most serious sins? Why just look at y-“

The officer practically had steam blowing out of his ears by now, “Now listen to me, you rat bastard! Why have you come into this station to waste my time and insult me, you scoundrel, you drunk, you buffoon?”

The officer reached out to grab the man, but he leaped backward just out of reach, “Forgive me, sir, I am not a man of your same eloquence. I open my mouth and the words spill out, I know not what I say, I just say it. I came here to lower myself before you and beg for your mercy, as I was very lonely you see. I’ve been so lonely and missing my dear Alexia… I’d longed for the touch of a woman again…”

Isabelle came back to the station followed by a man wearing an apron with a chef’s hat, “So… Bob there’s no ham sandwiches available and the cook at the Deli wants to file a report. It seems someone broke into the Deli last night by jimmying the door at the back and… It looks like someone had sex with the ham, believe it or not… I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried…”

The officer behind the desk and the woebegone man met eyes for a moment, and then he was off in full sprint for the front door, yelling as he goes, “…On second thought, never mind!”

“Get him!!! Get that man!!”, shouted the officer boiling over with rage. “God damn it!”

Note: I’ve been learning about the art of creating enticing dialogue in fiction at school lately. This was sort of just a hobby project to practice what I’ve learned. Thought I would share. 😛


64 thoughts on “How Do You Like Your Pork?

  1. Hey, I’m working on a dialogue project as college assignment and I’m from a film school. I’d really like to shoot this conversation. If I have your permission can I use this story for my project?

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Alright I’ll let you know when I’ve fixed your story for my project. I’m still deciding on it. Anyway the project is in November so I’ll hit you up before that

        Liked by 1 person

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